If your heart has just been broken, you're probably going through an immense amount of pain right now. It's hard to sleep, you've lost your appetite or you can't stop eating, and you're crying all the time. It's devastatingly painful and you're looking for anything to make it stop.
Think about these questions - do you really understand it's over? Does any part of you want him or her back? Are you still thinking about the good times you had together? Do you feel like you'll never meet someone like your ex partner again and that he or she was the only one for you?
If you answer yes to any one of those questions, you need to get closure. We often avoid true closure because it involves a lot of pain.
However, on the other side of this pain is a fresh start.
Do what it takes to either get back together, or understand it's over. If you still answer yes to those questions above - you need to then ask yourself what it will take to give yourself closure.
A word of warning - sometimes your ex partner won't want to give you closure as they like the idea of you hanging on. They will feed your hope just enough so they can get your attention. In these cases you'll need to give yourself closure. But just because it's harder, don't give up - as it's the essential step for you to learn how to mend a broken heart.
Often we're defined by those around us. We don't really take that time to decide who we are. It's even more strong in a relationship simply because we change to suit those that we want to get love from. It's one of the core things we do as human beings - because love is one of the essential needs. As a baby, if you didn't get love, you would die. There's even a name for it - Failure to Thrive syndrome.
So sometimes you have to take the time to understand who you are, or who you want to be. Away from that relationship that might be strangling you, and away from people who might be bringing you down.Away from negative experiences that you might be holding on to - and using as evidence that you're clumsy, or awkward, or have bad luck - that stop you moving forward.
Its like when you go into a supermarket hungry without a list. You end up with your shopping cart full of stuff, and you didn't make an informed decision about whether you actually wanted it in the first place. And then there's no room for the good stuff!
So its important to take some time to be reflective and understand what identity you've given yourself and whether it's getting you what you want. You are not a half that is only whole with another half. And you are are more than any moment.
Become self defined, and retain your own identity in a relationship. Don't lose yourself in a relationship and it will get even stronger. It also helps you stop going into 'role play' mode, where you might become 'mother' which is a turn off, or 'child' which is even more of a turn off (for more info on that - google 'transactional analysis - very interesting!).
As I've quoted before 'a man marries a woman for the woman was when they met, a woman marries a man for his potential'. Don't forget who you are - or who you want to become.
When your partner starts to withdraw, all you want to do is latch on and stop them - but trust me - it's the worst thing to do.
I know the feeling when you want to do something - and it's driving you a little crazy that they haven't called or aren't paying you attention - but you can't force those things by calling or sending texts that don't make sense, just to get a response back. Or worse, picking a fight.
Your friends might tell you to be indifferent, and play hard to get - but I believe you can't fake these things.Or they might tell you just to call them - and ask what's going on. I don't think this is the right advice either - as it could be a timing thing. Always be wary when someone tells you something is a good idea. A good idea with the wrong timing can be disastrous.
So here are some tangible things to do things that will not only keep your mind off the situation, but develop you so that you emit that wonderful, sexy energy that will have your partner gagging for more..
- Write down a list of things you want to do that you stopped you doing because of the relationship - things you were stopped doing, or you just put by the wayside because you were too busy lavishing attention on them and putting them first. Then put a plan in place to do them.You had a life before them- you still have a life if they haven't called or are too busy to plan a date in with you.
- Have a hobby you always wanted to start? Now is the time - dive headfirst into it. Again put a plan in place to do it, book something in if it's a class, or just plan in dedicated time. The idea is when they next call to see you - you're doing other interesting stuff that doesn't involve them, and that will make them curious. It makes you a little unpredictable which is attractive, and the best part is you'll start to lose yourself in something you love or just gain a new skill.
- Get to the gym or work out. Get your posture fixed, its the number one thing that's going to make you feel more confident and happy with yourself. I don't need to harp on about the mind body connection - but you know it exists. Keep yourself healthy and active and you'll deal with this better.
- Browse an internet dating site. Yeah you don't need to join but we always tend to hang on to things too hard when we think there's nothing else out there. A good site will open your eyes up to the fact that there are hot single people everywhere.You just need to change your perspective - don't let anyone tell you a good man or woman is hard to find.
Bottom line - change the energy you're focusing on them (believe me, they're sensing it) and put it on yourself (they'll sense that also - and it will be alluring).
In their withdrawing - they're asking for space - and if you latch on - you're being really annoying - we had it when someone does it to us - its no different for them.
They say that women marry men for the men they can become, where as men marry women for the woman they were when they met. Go back to who you were before them. Take the attention away and you'll find they'll be vying for it back.
Plus you'll be unpredictable and will quietly and effectively show them that they won't be rewarded for behaving this way.
I had a friend who was really ’strict’ with her man – if she even caught him looking at another woman, she’d get moody and angry.
She was a gorgeous, beautiful girl who had nothing to worry about – he adored her – and I used to think her approach was wrong.
But I had to rethink that. As she put it – men behave as badly as you let them. And they are constantly testing to see how much you’ll put up with.
Also don’t forget – they’re on their best behaviour in the first three months, so if it’s pretty bad at the start, it’s only going to get worse.
It’s an interested exercise in self esteem – often when we think we’re not good enough, we compensate by being compromising, and downplaying our needs. Rather than coming from a place of ‘consideration’ we’re coming from a lack of love of ourselves.
I guess there’s the other extreme also – where women are bitter and angry – and that comes from a lack of self esteem also ie: ‘I’m going to hurt you and leave before you do the same to me’.
So I guess it’s the balance – between coming from a place of true confidence and love of yourself – and being able to say strongly and confidently the way you will and won’t be treated.
As Wayne Dyer says in Pulling Your Own Strings – people treat you the way you train them to treat you. So when someone treats you badly you must ask ‘how did I train you to treat me that way?’
My boyfriend used to do this annoying thing on the phone.
I would say, I need to go now as it’s getting late. And then straight after I had said it, he’d say ‘honey I think I need to go as it’s getting late’.
I couldn’t understand it – as I’d suddenly feel like I had been keeping him up, even though I was the first person who mentioned we needed to hang up.
I’d always say ‘I just said that!’ but it didn’t change his behaviour – it was REALLY annoying!
Until something my dad taught me.
My dad said, when someone does a behaviour that’s annoying, give it a label. That way you’re educating them on what it is without having to use many words to describe it. Plus it adds a hint of humour to it.
Case in point: I gave my boyfrien’ds behavour the label of ‘STO’. This stood for Stating the Obvious. So the next time he did it – I told him he’d done an STO. The language i used was important – by saying ‘Oh you’ve just done an STO’ in a very matter of fact voice, it sounded like I had been using that label for years, and my tone of voice assumed that it was annoying behaviour.
It was also important that he then had to ask me what I meant – which meant he was paying attention as well as receptive to it. When I explained it – he laughed. And in laughing, he remembered it.
Then the next time he did it – he actually identified it himself. When the words ‘Oh no- I’ve done an STO’ came out of HIS mouth, I realthough ‘there’s something to this…’
I would tell you what he said the third time around, but actually he’s not done it since….it seems the label was much more effective than what I’d been doing before.
So to recap:
1. Give annoying behaviour a label
2. The next time they do the behaviour – introduce the label. eg: ‘Oh you just did a (insert label).
3. Make sure it’s not something they aspire to – ie: OH GREAT! Ive just done an STO. Make sure your tone has an inaudible ‘groan’ after it, so that it’s not a label that your man wants to be associated with.
Right, I now must go and find a label for not wanting to ask for directions and leaving the toilet seat up…
Saw the movie ‘The Last Kiss‘ last night which is such a great film.
It’s about the perfect relationship going wrong. The main character’s girlfriend finds out she’s pregnant – and he goes through an emotional journey, of cheating on her, but immediately finding his certainty about their relationship again, and having to win her back.
He says he cheats because he gets cold feet – but I think the ultimate reason is he can’t share his feelings of fear with her as he’s scared she’ll go nuts (she’s a very strong woman and likes to think she has her relationship under control).With that comes alienation, and the ability for him to lie about where he’s going on one, and then kiss her on the lips goodbye, and go on a date with another girl.
Through the film, the girlfriend also needs to learn the lesson that the quality of your relationships will depend on the amount of uncertainty you can handle. It becomes very obvious in the film that she thinks she’s gotten her boyfriend ‘all worked out’ and she knows how to make him happy, and miserable. She even goes as far to lecture on relationships to her mother who quite rightly points out ‘Don’t think you know what goes on in a marriage of 30 years, because you don't. She feels totally certain about their relationship – because she thinks she’s in control – which isn’t healthy or sustainable.
They say that sometimes just continuously accusing a guy of cheating is exactly what will drive him to go cheat. This movie illustrates that. He figures he’s already gotten in trouble for going on a date with someone else, so when thrown out, he goes back to the girl and sleeps with her. Also drawing the other girl further into his problem.
The other girl. This subplot explores the fact that actually the glitter of a new fling dies very quickly – the other, younger girl whilst attractive and carefree clearly doesn’t have the emotional connection he has with his partner. She also suddenly isn't as carefree as what was originally appealing. She turns up to his work as he wont answer her calls, and appears so very young – which is a big turn off for him. It breaks her heart when he comes clean about the fact that he’s having a baby, and although he admits it – he doesn’t spend any time consoling her and walks away. I don’t think the director wanted the audience to hate her in particular, but just to see that she was young and naive.
So two lessons really
1. Open communication is the key to avoiding cheating. The minute you withhold information from your partner, you are on your own.
2. The qualify of your love life will depend on how much uncertainty you can handle. Dont ever assume you just know the other person. You will be constantly getting to know them over the years – and this will keep things fresh and new. And it shows so much respect for the other person.
If your heart has just been broken, you're probably going through an immense amount of pain right now. It's hard to sleep, you've lost your appetite or you can't stop eating, and you're crying all the time. It's devastatingly painful and you're looking for anything to make it stop.
